Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
