Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Randomize
