i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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