he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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