i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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