My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i believe in u and ur pee
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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