Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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