You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
