Having a random hookup so left but love u
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
