it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
