did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
