Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
