My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
