Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
my poor anus
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
