I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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