I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
