Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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