paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
