I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
nutella sex= disaster
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
