I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize