i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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