Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
