turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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