her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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