pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
try to milk me bitch
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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