I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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