First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just googled if crying burns calories
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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