I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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