she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
