i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
