mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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