woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize