my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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