And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
