Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
