You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize