Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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