I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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