Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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