Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize