Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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