I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
