mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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