Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
