He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
