i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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