She went from zero to smokin in five shots
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
