I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
