Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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