Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
