Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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