So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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