even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
