Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
