6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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