He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
