So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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