sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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