things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
