the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
