Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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